Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
As I sit recalling the past
A lost little girl all alone
Wishing for peace at last
A big smile and bright blue eyes
Was how my secret safely slept
I did good hiding the depression
Locked in my room while i wept
I was invisible to my mother
Lost because acquaintances weren't true friends
But the saddest thing I recall
Was wishing for the end
The loneliest thing I know
Used to be myself
And I probably wouldn't have made it
If my friends hadn't helped
lifted form DEPRESSION POEMS.COM
Sunday, November 18, 2007
i have this terrible feeling inside me. i feel so awful inside, i think i was slowly dying. i couldn't see the fun of life. it's so awful...the hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach..the feeling that is so distressful..i feel so cold,yet so warm...sad yet emotionless...i dont even know where this empty feeling comes from. it is just there. i feel like everything is going wrong and that nothing will ever go right.
I've been feeling pretty empty inside. It's almost a physical sensation. I feel like my life has no real purpose, like I'm not going to amount to anything special. I often feel as if there is something very heavy and dark balled inside my chest. It's almost as if it both physically and mentally weighs me down....Part of me feels totally lonely. Like I have nobody to share this world with. Sometimes I love that feeling, and sometimes it depresses me. I have one friend around here with whom I can share my thoughts, and she shares hiers with me. If I didn't have anyone to share thoughts with, I think my head would implode...
the world seem so so dark and unfriendly..feels like i have nothing to look forward to. the hurt deep inside me that gradually crushing my good mood...sadness that make me feel like crying..that sometimes its so hard to stop the tears....i feel so alone..i want someone to comfort me or keep me company while i go through this emptiness..talk to me...and help me melt those sadness away...
what am i searching for? what am i seeking? when will i find it?......
I am looking for contentment of the spiritual kind. Am I on the right path ?when i will i find true happiness and what makes me truly happy???
yesterday..i received an instant message from someone i don't know who....asked me where my display image was taken for she like "daw" the water current..and i can't blame her for most of my friends are asking me where was that...i didn't answer the question of that person instead, i asked her who she is...but i just got the reply earlier this morning....and she told me that she is a girl from the past i do not want to have communication with anymore..she is a member of an org i was once belong to...
i really can smell something fishy with her intention of adding me up..i blocked them all on my yahoo mess account...i was just wondering why on earth she sign up for another account and out of the blue she'll pop up asking me where that place is?and then add me as her contact?for almost a year with no communication with them?for almost a year of being in the pedestal of shame they built for me?now that i am contented with my real friends?now that i am through and have had moved on with that pace of my life?bigla na lang sila magpaparamdam?using another nick?
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO AGAIN THIS TIME?
i know you're reading this blog....i mean viewing this everyday...
IP Address 210.23.176.## pacific.net.ph Cavite, Cavite City?
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Sometimes I ask myself if I have ever really known "love". I do not have the answer to that question either but I believe that, more often than not, we will never really know what love is until we find that right person.... and since I have not found you yet, then maybe I do not really know what love is!
You just don't know how often I dream of finally knowing what it feels like to be in your arms. Even at this very moment I am imagining how you will simply sweep me off my feet! Perhaps I would be drawn to you by your smile, or your eyes, or maybe even how you manage to make me laugh by your silly little ways! I don't really know for sure but I am praying that God will help me recognize you when the right time comes.
I think of all the pain that I have gone through in the past and of how much I have cried since the day I began my search. I just wanted you to know that I find my strength in clinging onto my vision of the beautiful life ahead of me --- the life I shall spend with you. In my mind and in my heart I know that you are worth all that pain and sacrifice. After all, the tears have become a part of my life and I believe that they are slowly washing away my flaws so that I would become perfect, not perfect in its truest sense, but perfect --- for YOU!
I wonder if you've gone through so much pain as well. I wonder if you've been hurt so many times along the journey. But my dearest one, please don't ever give up because I am right here... patiently waiting for you! I assure you that when we finally find each other I would slowly heal those wounds by my love.
At night, I would look out my window and stare at the beautiful sky, hoping that somehow you are also looking up and wondering about me. I utter a silent prayer and send all my cries to the heavens above thinking that in time they would reach you. And when I feel impatient, I just close my eyes and believe that you are on your way and that you are longing to see me as well. It is funny but when I finally fall asleep, it is still you that I think of, for you are always in my dreams.
It seems that, for now, that is the only place where I can hold on to you, long enough to tell you how much I love you. In my dreams you would kiss away my fears and wrap me with your arms of love. And this, all the more, makes me want to wake up and face the new day ahead with the hope that soon enough, you will no longer be a dream but a reality and once again I am assured that you are worth the wait.
And when that time comes, everything will fall into its place, just as I had imagined, just as I had thought and dreamed, just as I had believed it would be! By then, I would simply look back and smile at all that I have gone through, in spite of the pain and amidst the simple joys of life --- and I would be very thankful because they all led me to you! In the meantime, take care of yourself for me. Hold on to our dream and don't even think of letting go. Believe in your heart that we will find each other no matter what happens. God has planned the course and it is up to us to follow the directions. Don't worry, don't be afraid about getting lost, God saw to it that all the roads, no matter which one you choose to follow, lead to me.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
YOU'RE DEGRADING THE ORAGNIZATION YOU BELONG TO GIRLS....NAKAKAHIYA.....MGA OFFICERS AND FUTURE OFFICERS PA AMNDIN MGA PARTNERS NYO...BE A REAL EDUCATED ONE..WAG KAYONG MAGING EDUKADANG WALANG PINAG-ARALAN.......
Friday, November 9, 2007
It feels sad being alone. I think sad is an understatement...when it becomes so grave, the sadness turns into loneliness...and if there's something lonelier than the word Lonely, that's the perfect word to describe the feeling. Some say that being alone doesn't necessarily mean you're also lonely. It's relative. I think. The more friends I gain, the more I feel alone. It's so cold and having someone means no more coldness, no more being alone, no more gloomy days...It's different when you have someone who will always be with you no matter how hideous and ugly you are, no matter how dumb and stupid your ways are, no matter how corny your jokes are. It's really different...friends wouldn't suffice this time. Being alone is a sad, shady and dark state to be at. Especially when you see people happy together, you start to compare yourself to them. How content and happy they are, and how sad, lost and miserable you are. You would even reach to a point of pretending that you're happy...and the only way for you to escape the shame is just be ALONE. Sometimes I would just hide and conceal myself...for people not to see me alone. Self denial comes in...Fighting the sad truth of solitude is like accepting the fact that no matter how you struggle for something, you'll still end up losing...
Hearing love songs only give you sad memories of the past...not because of anything, but for the sole reason of you failing...Failing to succeed in a relationship and because of that failure, up until now, you're alone...still ALONE. A bitter dose of this so called reality.
I miss falling in love. I miss saying I love you to someone...I miss the feeling of missing someone...Of loving someone...being hurt not because I'm sad...being disappointed not because I am alone...I miss FEELING. It's just so unfair…life is really unfair.
Sheesh…This is too much.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
10:30 am....we were in a bus bound for region 2....yiiih!!!!i was soo excited to reach home!!!!haaayz!!!!i miss my "pamangkins" and my cousins....my friends way back elementary and high school....and the cool fresh air.....
the usual 8 hour trip to vizcaya took us almost 10 hours because of the traffic at plaridel, bulacan and cabanatuan city, nueva ecija....haaay...kapagod!!!
i woke up at 6am and went straight home....i slept over at ate gay's(ajah's elder sister)house for we reached the barrio already 2 in the morning and our compound was too dark..they are all fast asleep....hmmm..takot ako maglakad papasok sa amin kasi may multo dun e...nyahahah!!!true!!may multo dun...
i went straight to antie cora's house to see my newest pamangkin to joana..my 19 year old cousin(inunahan na ako...)..hmm the baby was soo cute!!!!grabe!!!buti na lang nagmana sa lahi anmin..maganda!!!nyahaha!!!
around 11 in the morning i went to bayombong with ate jang(my cousin-in-law)..we fetched my little sister in ate jang's house where she lives..and went staright to the cemetery to visit my uncle's tomb...
at 4pm we went back to solano....i visited my friends and gee!!!i saw my first love!!!!hmmm....no more jittery feelings!!swear!!!i miled at him and i caught him staring at me the way he used to...na para bang sinasabi nya na namimiss na ako!!!waaah!!!!assuming!!!!
at 6pm i met with my friend dhex...as usual...we ate lomi at the childrens park..
at 8pm i went home...
hmmm.....grabeh!!!!!general cleaning!!!!prax(my little sis) and i cleaned the house....remove all unwanted things...dust...cobwebs...whew!!!hirap talaga pag lalaki lang nakatira sa bahay e...
at 3pm..we went to solano cemetery to visit my father's, aunt's and grandma's tomb....
at 5..prax went to straight home....and i as usual went to my friend, ate lai's place..unfortunately she wasn't there...i've waited till 6 and decided to go home...when i was waiting for a tricycle..tette(my first bf's nick) who was ate lai's neighbor went outside...smiled at me and remarked"ui!!naka red!!baka sumabog tayo..soulmate talag tayo!!", heheheh...i smiled....and i think i blushed...kasi lumabas ung asawa nya and narinig ung sinabi ni tette..
november 3...aja and her family and i went to mapalyao falls...yiiiiiiih!!i missed that place!!!as in!!!wow!!!!ang ganda!!!here are the pics....
sa may bato yan....sa tinatalunan namin...