Friday, November 9, 2007

still in the world of BLUE

It feels sad being alone. I think sad is an understatement...when it becomes so grave, the sadness turns into loneliness...and if there's something lonelier than the word Lonely, that's the perfect word to describe the feeling. Some say that being alone doesn't necessarily mean you're also lonely. It's relative. I think. The more friends I gain, the more I feel alone. It's so cold and having someone means no more coldness, no more being alone, no more gloomy days...It's different when you have someone who will always be with you no matter how hideous and ugly you are, no matter how dumb and stupid your ways are, no matter how corny your jokes are. It's really different...friends wouldn't suffice this time. Being alone is a sad, shady and dark state to be at. Especially when you see people happy together, you start to compare yourself to them. How content and happy they are, and how sad, lost and miserable you are. You would even reach to a point of pretending that you're happy...and the only way for you to escape the shame is just be ALONE. Sometimes I would just hide and conceal myself...for people not to see me alone. Self denial comes in...Fighting the sad truth of solitude is like accepting the fact that no matter how you struggle for something, you'll still end up losing...

Hearing love songs only give you sad memories of the past...not because of anything, but for the sole reason of you failing...Failing to succeed in a relationship and because of that failure, up until now, you're alone...still ALONE. A bitter dose of this so called reality.

I miss falling in love. I miss saying I love you to someone...I miss the feeling of missing someone...Of loving someone...being hurt not because I'm sad...being disappointed not because I am alone...I miss FEELING. It's just so unfair…life is really unfair.

Sheesh…This is too much.

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